Review – ‘Hellboy’ (2019)

I remember going to a friend’s sleepover when I was about 12, I used to love going there because they had a so many films piled up on their bookcases. I have many memories of catching snippets of films that his parents were watching, the most prominent one being shown was Shaun of the Dead. The scene when the zombie falls on the pipe at the beginning, revealing a pipe shaped hole in her stomach terrified me and haunted me for many sleepless nights to come. When I was 12 I was not aware that this would become a favourite of mine later on in life. I have many other memories of certain films that also sparked my nightmares, and I suppose they will come up in reviews to come, but for now, let’s get onto Hellboy.

After watching a portion of the 2004 Hellboy my friend let me borrow the DVD and I rushed home, with nervousness, not knowing what I was about to witness. I’m sure at the time, I was expecting something other than the Guillermo Del Toro styled action horror, but I loved it. I must have watched it so many times as I still remember pretty much all the scenes and story beats. I still have the DVD on my shelf, I must have forgotten to return it. Oops.

I didn’t watch the second one, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, it just sort of slipped under my radar but I have heard that it is pretty good so maybe I will give it a watch. I am loosely familiar with the production troubles behind 2019’s Hellboy, which originally Del Toro would direct and Ron Perlman would return as the titular character for the non-existent Hellboy III. Del Toro didn’t like the direction the film was going so he left along with Perlman, and this great big stinking pile of shit was born out of the ashes.

When I heard about the loose remake/reboot coming from director Neil Marshall, I was excited. As I’m sure you’re aware horror is my forte and a new Hellboy film from the guy who made The Descent and Dog Soldiers piqued my interest.

WOO, THIS FILM IS NOT GREAT. AND THAT IS PUTTING IT MILDLY.

The film is essentially a prequel to the Hellboy films we know and love, starting before be met Abe, and the film is about Hellboy finding himself. A prophecy surround him, and it is foretold that he will be the one to end bring about the apocalypse. While Hellboy becomes friends with an annoying psychic and a grouchy special agent, an equally grouchy warthog puts together the pieces of an ancient hell queen who is hellbent on bringing about this prophecy.

THE SHIT BITS

The plot is so basic it hurts, with a universe with all these crazy and wonderful creatures in, why does it have to be so boring? I watched it a few days ago and I can’t even really remember many of the scenes. You could take the scenes and rearrange them in a random order and the film would still get to the same conclusion. This results in a rushed and jigsaw style pacing and creates a sense that the stakes really are not that important.

Now the characters. Honestly none of the characters are stellar, especially that one psychic girl that hangs around most of the film. She stinks of cringe and her British accent is terrible, it hurt my ears just listening to it. It’s like an American doing a parody of a British accent. I’m sure she’s a good actor but that accent paired with the writing is like pouring petrol on napalm.

Ron Perlman’s acting as the boy from hell was iconic, David Harbour’s is less so. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Harbour as the sheriff from Stranger Things and I am excited to see more range from him, especially in the upcoming Black Widow. I think Harbour’s portrayal of him is more of a caricature of him, a strange hybrid between Deadpool and the 2004 Van Helsing. Also, I miss John Hurt as Hellboy’s father, Ian McShane spoke his lines like he had a 22 calibre rifle pointed at his head. The character of Daimo, played by Daniel Dae Kim, was way more interesting once he transformed into the leopard, I wish they had introduced that much earlier than the end of the film.

The Blood Queen, played by Milla Jovovich, is about as interesting a villain as the tax man. Her motive is bland, destroy the world blah blah I will rule again blah blah. I much prefer my villains with a side of three dimensions please waiter.

The Alright bits

I like to write something good about most films unless it is absolute garbage. The reality is that thousands of people work on films and having been in the industry myself, I know first-hand how difficult and stressful it is to make a film. So I give credit where credit is due.

The characters of Baba Yaga and Gruagach the warthog were by far the most interesting for me. The physicality of Baby Yaga was great and I really enjoyed that one scene she was in. She would have made a great villain as she actually wanted to get revenge on Hellboy, a personal vendetta is way more interesting than an end of the world scenario because the stakes are smaller and more personal. I also really liked the warthog, a rowdy cockney accent coming out of a bipedal warthog is always fun to watch and he stole every scene he was in. The scene where he rips apart all those monks was badass. I think both characters are super interesting, the physicality and personalities of both made the film for me.

The gore is awesome and unique and made me shout out because it was so unexpected. I wish those Hell-monsters that came out of the hole at the end were featured more, they were brilliantly designed, a mix between Lovecraftian and Silent Hill and the way they were ripping people apart was crazy. I just wanted Hellboy to fight them but instead they just get sucked into a hole once the Blood Queen dies…BORING.

The Post Credits scene gave some relief, with a little nod to Abe Sapien from the Del Toro films which was nice to see.

If you’re a fan of Hellboy, I’d watch this but don’t get your hopes up.

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